Since the early days of pre-term, I have been astounded at the energy, efficiency and productivity of Alana Rush. Wide-eyed and energetic, she has been able to juggle an endless list of academic, extracurricular and student government obligations without compromising her social blackouts. WGA President, Follies Head Writer, Student Life Fellow, Communications TA, Team Mom for The Zamboners; she does it all. The girl shakes more hands than Patrick Burns, bakes more brownies than Sara Lee and is more enthusiastic than Kevin Shiau in a photo booth. How does she do it? The endless energy? The prompt hangover recovery? The passion for “cooking”? I could only accept one conclusion: Meth.
Do we have reason to be worried? Yes. She is WGA President, sitting atop millions of dollars. What’s going to happen to faculty lunches when Alana funnels the money into her drug empire? Someone had to step up and use knowledge for action. I rolled up my sleeves and packed my bags (finally an opportunity to re-use my Cotopaxi gear). Patagonia DAS Parka: Check. Eastern Mountain Sports Sub-Zero Sleeping Bag: Check. Etorphine Hydrochlorid “M99” elephant tranquilizer: Check (it’s better to be safe than sorry).
To truly understand the Alana Rush lifestyle, I had to mirror the Alana Rush lifestyle. Picture Steve Erwin in Crocodile Hunter meets Walter White in Breaking Bad. When Alana woke up, I woke up (on her couch). When Alana ate lunch, I ate lunch. When Alana got down… Eugene got down. You get my point. From Monday March 24th to Wednesday March 26th (see Exhibit 1), I gathered data. Below are the findings.
Lack of Sleep
Mayo Clinic recommends 7-8 hours of sleep per night. Alana sleeps 3-4 hours per night and skips naps. Now the lack of nighttime sleep I can wrap my head around, but the lack of daytime naps is blasphemous; every MBA knows that 2-4pm is sacred siesta time. Despite her lack of sleep, every moment of Alana’s day is productive; she hops around, happy-go-lucky, “let’s lower the cost of education in Africa.” Well riddle me this – if she’s not sleeping, what’s fuelling the abundance of energy?
Alcohol Tolerance and Recovery
Alana is one of two who can enjoy a night of Russian Revelry and power through the next day unaffected. On Monday night, Alana attended a Scotch tasting, followed by drinks at Franklin Mortgage, returned home at 1:30am and then clacked away on her computer until 4:45am. Regardless of her workload, she finds a way to appear at every social event, and she can rebound from a Thursday night quicker than many first year males can rip off their shirts at Voyeur.
Alana is famous for her baking skills: ginger snaps and pumpkin cupcakes for Cluster 3 suppers, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for Cohort H exams, rice crispy treats for hockey games and brownies for Cluster Council meetings. A quick search on HowStuffWorks.com reveals that baking ginger snaps and running a meth lab are eerily similar. Some cold syrup, battery acid, paint thinner and a couple of propane tanks and you’re off to the races. This girl can whip up a pan of treats within 30 minutes. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Imagine what she could accomplish with adequate funding and after-hours access to the Armory.
This summer, Alana will be working in wealth management in Miami. Miami! Home of the Zoe Pound gang, subject of the TV series Miami Vice, proximate to Cuba and Columbia, shipping port for all things narcotics. Wealth Management – AKA training ground for laundering. Sounds like somebody is going to be building up a client base in the 305.
Alana’s “win” in the WGA election clearly came with ulterior motives. Ted Sands is going to tap the funds, Jackie Wong is going to use the Wharton Bus to transport the cash to Miami and Laura Nugent is going to cover the tracks. Don’t believe me? Where is the Wharton bus right now? Where is the Wharton bus right now!?
What Does This Mean?
Meth starts out harmless enough. It begins with boundless energy and productivity, then eventually overcomes you and the train derails. Ultimately you lose your job, lose your family, do tricks for SEPTA tokens and pursue an MBA at the University of Chicago. I have seen this on countless episodes of A&E’s “Intervention.” Five years from now, she will probably pop up on “Humans of New York.” Probably. However, fortunately for us all, we have an incredibly energetic, motivated and efficient leader to drive the WGA forward in the year ahead. It is rare to come across a person who can take on the number of commitments that Alana has yet follow through time and time again. Can I confirm my suspicions about drugs? No – but nothing else can explain her superhuman ability to wear so many hats at once. I think Alana’s talents truly are unparalleled and I am excited to see what she will achieve in the year ahead.