by Julian Bennet WG’14
Hear ye, hear ye!
To the Citizens of the 13 colonies. And California. And some bits in between containing mostly BBQ, cowboy boots, spittoons, and the mournful ululations of Willie Nelson.
It has recently come to our attention that, despite our best efforts, you consistently refuse to accept your role in the world as the Robin to Great Britain’s Batman, Garfunkel to the United Kingdom’s Simon, Goose to, let’s face it, the home counties’ Maverick.
As a result of this unfortunate state of affairs, we are hereby rescinding the constitution and will be requiring you to pen a Declaration of Redependence stating your abject loyalty and total fealty to his majesty Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. Actually, given your mind-numbingly tedious preoccupation with the Royal Birth, we don’t think this will be too difficult for you. Immediate action points are as follows:
- Tell us how you keep milk fresh for 6 months plus. I mean, seriously, that jug in my fridge ought to be walking out of my kitchen by now. It beggars belief that it hasn’t turned into cheese, and I seriously question what you have done to it to keep it this way.
- Speaking of cheese, figure out how to make it. If the French can do it, it can’t be that difficult. That bright orange stuff in the shrink-wrapped packaging is not worthy of the name cheddar, and what the fuck is Cheez Wiz?
- Skipping the letter ‘U’ will be punishable with exile to Oklahomashire (see 5 below). Come on, that’s just lazy. Colour, favour, odour – don’t they just look…nicer? And while we’re at it, DOUGHNUT has more than 5 goddamn letters. In general, please raise your vocabulary. ‘You know’, and ‘like’ are not legitimate conjunctions. Look up ‘conjunction’. Look up ‘legitimate’. While you’re there, look up aluminium and figure out how to pronounce it correctly. And niche.
- Apple’s recent decision to introduce ‘English’ and ‘British English’ into its language settings is a ridiculous attempt at stealing our language. As a result, Apple will relocate its headquarters to Tyneside, where it will learn what British English really sounds like.
- The regions previously known as ‘states’ shall henceforth be known as ‘shires’. Texasshire will become the country’s headquarters of the RACC – the Royal American Cricket Council. We will be turning Oklahomashire into a penal colony, because, well, just because.
- You can keep Piers bloody Morgan.
- Your obsession with our accents is gratifying and sweet – and the fact that we can simply use the phrases ‘kettle of fish’ and ‘jumper’ in conversation with American girls and almost certainly score is a massive check in the ‘pro’ column, but please make sure to note the difference between English, Australian, Kiwi and Saffa dialects. By the way, so you don’t feel too hard done by, we have also called in the independence of those other would-be republics. India is next.
- Service staff in general will be trained to be less helpful and more aggressive. You guys are way too nice. I prefer my beer served with a sneer and a slight feeling of inferiority. Beer should also be warm and flat, in an actual pint glass. Those thimbles you call glasses shall be banned. Lite beer shall only be served to prison inmates in Oklahomashire, as it is worse than drinking horse urine. In fact, it generally sobers me up.
- Thou shalt no longer have tea parties. They don’t end well for us, and they won’t end well for you. You don’t seem to understand the concept – restless rebels and far-right conservatives are not generally appropriate guests at Buckingham Palace. Those people be crazy, damn.
- Bank of America will be referred to as the Royal Bank of the Country Formerly Known as America, and we will send professionals over here to sort out your online banking system. I don’t know why I need 3 72 figure routing, account and tracking numbers, my mothers bra size, the capital city of Uzbekistan and my whereabouts on the 7th July 1993 to send even more bloody money to the WGA.
- 7-11 will be appointed as a purveyor to the Queen. I love that place, particularly the one at the bottom of the Dorchester. Particularly at around 2.45 am on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday night. The chicken and ‘cheese’ pitta wraps are particularly moreish. As are those little spinning sausagey type things in the warm counter. I have no idea what they are, but they taste great. The after effects are unfortunately not so enjoyable.
- Quoting a price without including tax will also be punishable with exile to Oklahomashire. Displaying more than one American flag within any 5 block radius is also on that list – seriously, do you guys need a constant reminder of what country you’re in at all times? They are everywhere. In fact, after rejoining the Empire, you won’t be needing them anymore. It was good of you to keep the right colours, but you can start replacing them with Union Jacks as of now.
- The World Series is not, in fact, a competition open to international participation. Baseball will, consequently, be outlawed, and the players drafted to the RACC (see no. 5 above). It is the most boring sport in the world. Repeating the rules of the fine, subtly nuanced game of cricket, on the other hand, will replace the monotonously regular and slightly disturbing pledge of allegiance at schools across the country.
Once you have implemented these action points, we will send Prince Harry across to confirm your compliance. Your re-admission to the United Kingdom will be celebrated with a number of naked pool parties in Las Vegas, July 4th will be remembered as a day of mourning, and you will all start driving on the right side of the road: the left.
America, I do love you, and I hope you take the above in the spirit in which it was written. God save the Queen!